Eleven Women

"Marriage is a bond held together by mutual rights and responsibilities for each of the two spouses. It is a partnership between them, and they are both required to play an active role in that partnership. The man is appointed as the leader of the household, and the woman as the supportive helper whose expertise in many areas cannot be handled by the man.

Both the husband and wife have certain rights and duties. A happy and successful marriage is assured if both of them fulfill their duties and preserve each others’ rights. Violating those rights is a sure way to misery and failure," the Moon conveyed a topic after saying Basmalah and Salaam.

"In an Islamic perspective, " says she, "some responsibilities and obligations equally apply to the man and woman. For instance, the obligation of believing in Allah, Subhanahu wa Ta'ala, and following His commands is identical for both of them. Similarly, they are both responsible and accountable for their actions. They are both equally required to learn the correct religion, worship Allah, and call to His way. The moral standards are the same for both of them, as are many of the regulations for dealing with other human beings. The man and woman get similar rewards for obedience to Allah, and similar punishment for disobedience or sinning.

In comparing between women and men, we should realize that Islam does not equate those who are inherently different. There are matters in which men are given preference over women, and vice versa. These preferences stem from the difference in their ability of performing various tasks. Therefore, rather than equating those who can never be equal, our concern should be directed toward fairness in dealing with both. Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala says,

وَلَا تَتَمَنَّوْا مَا فَضَّلَ اللّٰهُ بِهٖ بَعْضَكُمْ عَلٰى بَعْضٍ ۗ لِلرِّجَالِ نَصِيْبٌ مِّمَّا اكْتَسَبُوْا ۗ وَلِلنِّسَاۤءِ نَصِيْبٌ مِّمَّا اكْتَسَبْنَ ۗوَسْـَٔلُوا اللّٰهَ مِنْ فَضْلِهٖ ۗ اِنَّ اللّٰهَ كَانَ بِكُلِّ شَيْءٍ عَلِيْمًا

'Do not wish for things in which Allah has preferred some of you over others. Men get a share (or reward) in what they have earned, and women get a share in what they have earned. And ask Allah of His favors. Indeed, Allah is ever Knowledgeable about all things.' [QS. Ani-Nisa' (4):32]

We conclude from the mentioned, that the Islamic regulations regarding human beings are equally applicable to men and women. But this does not mean that men and women are identical in everything. There are certain iegulations that strictly apply to women because of their feminine nature, and others that strictly apply to men because of their masculine nature.

So, there is a hadith is the outcome of a chatting that took place between the Prophet (ﷺ) and his wife—Mother of the Believers— ‘A’ishah, radhiyallahu 'anha. It is a good example of the private discussions that take place between a man and his wife. It tells about eleven women who got together, each of them briefly describing her husband’s character to the other women.

Most reports of this hadlth present the story of the eleven women as being narrated by ‘A’ishah and not by the Prophet (ﷺ). However, some reports explicitly indicate that it was the Prophet (ﷺ) who told it to her. Also, some scholars hold the position that the whole story is fictitious and was mentioned for the sake of the lessons that it carries. Others hold the more correct position that it is a true story that did take place during the time of Jahiliyyah. In Islamic Adaab and Ethics, indeed, a wise wife, is not recommended to tell other people about her household problems.

‘A’ishah, radhiyallahu 'anha, reported that Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) said to her, '0 ‘A’ishah! I am to you like Abu Zar‘ was to Umm Zar.‘ She inquired, 'And who is Umm Zar‘, O Allah’s Messenger?' He (ﷺ) replied, 'Eleven women got together during the times of Jahiliyyah. They promised to tell each other the truth, and not to hide anything about their husbands.'

It is clear that those women were living in the time of Jahiliyyah, and it is therefore not surprising that they would violate some of the well-known teachings of Islam, such as backbiting their husbands. Yet, their discussions bring to light many qualities that women like or dislike in their husbands.

The Prophet (ﷺ) continued the story,

'The first woman said, 'My husband is (like) a bony camel’s meat at the top of a rough mountain. Neither is it easy to reach, nor meaty to desire acquiring.'

The first woman described her husband as being worthless, stingy, and arrogant. Thus, he is as worthless and miserly as a bony camel with very little meat, hence of trivial value. Furthermore, he is haughty, unfriendly, and unapproachable, as though he is located at the top of a rough mountain. No one would be interested in going to him, nor bringing him for any kind of benefit.

Then the Prophet (ﷺ) continued the story,

The second woman said, 'As for my husband, I cannot expose his secrets [fearing divorce]. [If I start talking about him,] I fear that I will not be able to stop [because of his numerous shortcomings]. And if I were to talk about him, I would mention the swelling in his neck-veins [i.e., arrogance, unfriendliness, and other apparent defects] and the swelling in his stomach and navel [i.e., many hidden defects].'

The second woman indicated that her husband possessed numerous defects—both apparent and hidden problem. In addition to his numerous defects, this man did not like criticism, and was ready to divorce his wife would she utter anything about his problems.

The Prophet (ﷺ) then continued the story,

'The third woman said, 'My husband is the one who is unreasonably tall [i.e., unimpressive]. If I utter a word [about his defects, and he finds out], I will surely be divorced. And if I remain silent, I will be

suspended [i.e., he neither treats me like a wife nor like a divorcee].'

The third woman described her husband as being unimpressively out of proportion in his qualities [bodily, morally, or both], in short, it's all about excessiveness and unimpressiveness.

The Prophet (ﷺ) continued,

The fourth woman said, 'As for my husband, when he eats, he encompasses [i.e., devours everything]; when he drinks, he finishes even the last drops; and when he sleeps he coils up in the covers [i.e., not caring about me]. He does not extend his palm to investigate the grief [i.e., he does not have any concern about my situations of illness, sorrow, and so on].'

The fourth woman described her husband as being very greedy. He eats and drink, to the last bit, everything in front of him. He sleeps like a log, without caring about her, fulfilling his marital duty toward her, or investigating her situation and checking about her health. In short, it's all about selfishness, greed and negligence.

Then the Prophet (ﷺ) continued the story,

'The fifth woman said, 'My husband is axtremely helpless (i.e., incapable and impotent) and stupid. Every disease applies to him. He would either cut your head, break one of your limbs, or do both to you (i.e., he hits the women without mercy).'

The fifth woman’s husband lacks all of the important qualities that would make a woman admire her husband. He is helpless in conducting his and his family’s affairs, impotent and unable to please his wife, and stupid. All of the people’s defects are combined in him. And, as though that is not enough, he is very abusive towards his wife. He hits her without mercy, breaking her bones or wounding her head. In short, it's all about helplessness, stupidity, and abuse.

The first five women said about their husbands things indicating their dissatisfaction with them or about dislike qualities of their husbands. The next five women [the sixth to tenth women], had good things—commendable qualities—to say about their husbands.

The Prophet (ﷺ) continued the story,

'The sixth woman said, 'As for my husband, he is like the night of Tihamah [Makkah and its suburbs]—neither hot nor cold. [In his company] there is neither fear nor boredom.'

The sixth woman’s husband is like a cool night breeze. He is kind and moderate in his actions, and his company does not bring fear or boredom. Rather, it gives her a feeling of security and friendliness. So, it's about kindness, security and caring.

Then the Prophet (ﷺ) continued the story,

'The seventh woman said, 'As for my husband, when he enters, he acts like a (sleepy) leopard; and when he leaves, he acts like a lion. He does not ask about what he entrusted.'

The seventh woman’s husband is well mannered and loving at home, and courageous and powerful outside his home. Within the house, he is like a leopard: quiet, sleepy (i.e., forgiving), and loving. In dealing with the outside society, he is like a lion: courageous, powerful, and respected. When he entrusts his wife (or others) with something, he does not hold her strictly accountable for it; rather, he is generous and willing to overlook the mistakes. So, it's all about love, generosity, and courage.

The Prophet (ﷺ) then continued the story,

'The eighth woman said, 'As for my husband, his touch is like that of a rabbit, and his odor is like that of zarnab (aromatic plant). I overcome him, but he overcomes the other people.'

The eighth woman’s husband is very kind to her. At the same time, he is strong and assertive with other people. With his wife, he has the soft and kind touch of a rabbit, and he has a most pleasant odor. With other people, he has a good reputation (another meaning for the good odor), and his kindness and good attitude with his wife do not prevent him from being powerful and victorious with the other people. So, it's all about good reputation, respect and kindness.

The Prophet (ﷺ) continued,

'The ninth woman said, 'As for my husband, he has high house-pillars, longsword-suspenders, and large amounts of ashes. His house is near the clubhouse.'

The ninth woman’s husband is of a noble and wealthy family. He is a strong warrior and a generous host. The high house-pillars are an indication of his noble descent and wealth. The longsword-suspenders indicate that he is of large and impressive built and that he is a strong fighter. The ashes are an indication of his generosity and the many guests he feeds. Being in the vicinity of the clubhouse indicates that he is near the town-center where important people usually live and meet. In short, it's all about wealth, courage, generosity and stature.

Then the Prophet (ﷺ) continued the story,

'The tenth woman said, 'My husband is Malik [the owner]. And what would you know about Malik? Malik is better than that [which I describe). He owns camels that are numerous in their sitting places, and few in the grazing areas. When they hear the sound of the lute, they become certain of their death.'

The tenth woman’s husband has many excellent qualities that are beyond description. This means that she is never able to give her husband the praise that he truly deserves. His camels, numerous though they are, are not allowed to graze far away from his residence, because he wants them ever-ready for his guests. He often holds banquets in which he entertains his guests with the lute and feeds them camel-meat. So, it's all about wealth, generosity, and other distinguished qualities.

The last woman to speak was Umm Zar . She gave a fuller description of her two husbands: Abu Zar‘ and the man whom she married after Abu Zar' divorced her. Both of her husbands were good to her, but she was happier with the first, and gave a more detailed description of him and his family members.

The Prophet (ﷺ) continued,

'The eleventh said, 'My husband was Abu Zar‘ [i.e., the one with vegetation]— and what would you know about Abu Zar ! He made my ears heavy with jewelry, filled my upper arms with flesh [i.e., fed me well after my previous state of hunger], and honored me until my soul was gratified. He took me from among a people with very few sheep and tight living, and placed me among a people who had horses, camels, cows [that step on the grains to peel them], and sieves [for sifting the grains]. In his house, I spoke without being rebuffed, slept until latemorning, and drank my fill.'

Abu Zar took Umm Zar from a life of poverty and hard work to a life of wealth and leisure.

The Prophet (ﷺ) kept on relating what Umm Zar said,

'[She continued], 'Abu Zar ’s mother—and what would you know about Abu Zar ’s mother! Her safes [of food and clothing] were plentiful, and her house was spacious.'

Abu Zar ’s mother was a wealthy woman with ample provisions and many servants. This carries an additional praise for her son, because he made sure that his mother’s needs were well met, and her living was no less than his.'

The Prophet (ﷺ) kept on relating what Umm Zar said,

'[She continued], “Abu Zar ’s son—and what would you know about Abu Zar ’s son! His sleep was (sharp) like a pointed palm stick [i.e., everalert], and a female goat’s arm satisfied his hunger [i.e., neither was he fat nor greedy].'

Despite his father’s wealth, Abu Zar ’s son was not a spoiled young man. To the contrary, he was lean, content, ate moderately, and was ever alert, even while sleeping.

Then the Prophet (ﷺ) continued relating what Umm Zar said,

'[She continued], “Abu Zar ’s daughter—and what would you know about Abu Zar ’s daughter! She was obedient to her father and obedient to her mother. She filled her garments [i.e., her body was full]. She caused her upper garment to curve [her body was well-proportioned]. She was the grace of her family, and the cause of envy to her co-wife.'

Aba Zar ’s daughter was a perfect young woman, obedient to both her parents, beautiful, and attractive. This graced her family, and brought envy to her co-wife.

The Prophet (ﷺ) continued relating what Umm Zar said,

'[She continued], “Abu Zar ’s maid—and what would you know about Abu Zar ’s maid! She did not disclose our secrets, nor give away our food [i.e., she was trustworthy], nor let our house fill with dirt like a bird’s nest [i.e., she was clean].' 

Even the maid played a role in painting an impressive picture of dignity and praise for Abu Zar‘! She was trustworthy, protective, and clean. 

After spending many years with her, Abu Zar‘ decided one day to give up his wife Umm Zar‘ for a younger woman who had two young boys. The Prophet (ﷺ) continued relating what Umm Zar‘ said,

'[She continued], 'Abu Zar went on a trip at the time when the milk jars were shaken to extract the cream [i.e., in the spring when there was plenty of milk]. He met a woman with two little sons as [active as] two leopard cubs. They were [jumping] under her waist and playing with two pomegranates [i.e., she was young and had small breasts]. He divorced me and married her.'

The Prophet (ﷺ) continued relating what Umm Zar‘ said,

'[She continued], 'I married after him a noble man. He rode a fast horse and grasped a spear [he was a fighter]. He brought to me in the evenings [after his battles] expensive cattle, and granted me a pair from every kind of it. He said to me, ‘Eat, O Umm Zar , and give your relatives as well.’ Yet, were I to gather all the things that he gave me, they would not fill the smallest of Abu Zar ’s containers.'

Umm Zar ’s second husband was also wealthy and very good to her. But her heart remained with her first husband. Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) concluded by again telling 'A'ishah that he (ﷺ) was to her like Abu Zar was to Umm Zar, '0 ‘A’ishah! I am to you like Abu Zar' was to Umm Zar'—except that Abu Zar' divorced (her), and I will not divorce (you).'

This means that he (ﷺ) was bountiful towards her like Abu Zar' was towards Umm Zar'. However, the Prophet’s (ﷺ) favors on ‘A’ishah (or any other Muslim) are beyond measure, and they extend to the good and eternal bliss of the Hereafter. This is why ‘A’ishah, radhiyallahu 'anha, responded, 'O Allah’s Messenger! You are better to me than Abu Zar' was to Umm Zar.' [Recorded by at-Tabarani; there is also in Sahih Al-Bukhari]

The moon ended her story by singing,

Dengan kasihmu ya Robbi

[By Thy mercy o my Rabb]

Berkahi hidup ini

[Bless this life]

Dengan cintamu ya Robbi

[By Thy love o my Rabb]

Damaikan mati ini

[Pacify this death]

Saat salahku melangkah

[When I have stepped wrongly]

Gelap hati penuh dosa

[The hearbecomes dark, full of sins]

Beriku jalan berarah

[Give me a direction]

Temuimu di surga

[To meet Thee in paradise]

Terima sembah sujudku

[Accept my prostration]

Terimalah doaku

[Accept my du'aa]

Terima sembah sujudku

[Accept my prostration]

Izinkan ku bertaubat

[Allow me to repent]

Maulana ya Maulana

[My Protector o my Protector]

Ya sami' duana *)

[O please hear my du'aa]

Before her light dimmed, the Moon said, "Part of the great responsibility of both men and women is to exhibit and act with Adaab and Akhlaaq. These are the distinctive characteristics of the religion of Islam. In a nutshell, they are the reason behind the Prophet’s (ﷺ) mission. And Allah knows best."

Citations & References:
- Muhammad Mustafa al-Jibaly, The Fragile Vessels, Al-Kitaab & as-Sunnah Publishing
*) "Ya Maulana" written by Achmad Fairus

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