Citations & References:"Everyone—every single person, no matter who he or she is—wants respect. Don't you? If you think about it for just a moment, you'll realize that people want to be treated politely, with courtesy, consideration, and genuine regard everywhere they go, in any situation," the Moon moved forward to another topic."At work, people want to be treated with common courtesy and to be respected for their skills and experience. They want their personal and life choices not to be judged, denigrated, or criticized. They want to be treated fairly and honestly by their bosses; and when they make a mistake, they want to be told about it respectfully, in private. In short, everyone wants to be treated in a good manner.Yet, have you ever met or heard of anyone who has actually wanted to be disrespected, ignored, denigrated, micro-managed, and treated rudely by a boss or colleagues in public or in private? In reality, no one wants to be disrespected. And yet, as you’ve probably realized from your own experience, disrespectful behavior in the workplace is all too common.There are actually two types of respect. We call them instant and developed. Instant respect (or instant disrespect) is an unconscious, instinctual reaction that usually occurs just a few milliseconds after coming into face-to-face contact with someone we’ve never met before. This instant respect/disrespect reaction is almost always based on visible cues such as gender, race, ethnicity, age/generation, clothing (its condition and how its worn), facial expressions, body type and size, hair style, piercings, tattoos, and so on. Also, we might sense someone’s energy level and mood when we first meet him or her or hear something in his or her voice, such as an accent or tone. Some or all of these cues will then almost instantly combine in our brains to trigger previously developed positive/negative biases within each of us, which then lead to an instant respect or disrespect reaction.Here’s an example of how this unconscious mechanism works. Imagine you’re attending a public outdoor event—such as a street fair—filled with people milling around, visiting food stalls, listening to live music, buying gifts, etc. Now, imagine walking past a police officer in uniform who is calmly standing off to one side, smiling at everyone while observing the crowd. It’s likely that, even if you don’t know them personally, you would have an instant respect reaction to this police officer, out of respect for their work, uniform, position in our society, and because at the moment they seems helpful and friendly. You might even make eye contact, smile genuinely, nod, and say 'hello.'Now roll back the clock for a minute and imagine that, in the past, you’d had one or more negative interactions with the police; encounters in which you were aggressively searched or arrested, or you felt treated very unfairly, dismissively, or disrespectfully. If this were your personal experience, it’s more likely that you would have an instant disrespect reaction to the officer standing at the street fair, even if you’d never seen that particular officer before. You probably wouldn’t do anything about your instant disrespect reaction, but it’s very doubtful you’d smile, nod, and greet them warmly. Most likely you’d walk on by without making eye contact and quickly get yourself away from their gaze.The same instant respect/disrespect mechanism comes into play at work. For example, if you meet a brand-new employee for the first time and they appear to you to be well put together, are wearing what you consider to be appropriate clothing, smells fresh and clean, and has a warm, friendly voice and a firm handshake, then you’d probably have an instant respect reaction to them. But, if they were dressed sloppily or had what you thought was a grating, nasal, or raspy voice and a limp or cold handshake, you’d probably have an instant disrespect reaction. Again, in general, most of us are completely unconscious of this mechanism even though its constantly operating within us.The second type is called 'developed respect/disrespect.' This type of respect or disrespect develops over time, when we learn more about someone’s 'invisible attributes' such as talents, skills, education, experience, political leanings, nationality, marital and parental status, religion, etc.Going back to the workplace example: if you were to meet a new employee and have an instant respect reaction to them and then you got to know the person and learned about their experience, skills, and education and all of those things impressed you and/or were similar to your own, and you found the person to be consistently respectful and professional to you and others, and you also found that they honored commitments and did what you considered to be a 'good job,' then it’s very, very likely that you would develop a high level of 'developed respect' for that new employee.But if the opposite were true, and over time you discovered you had very little in common and you weren’t impressed by their experience, skills, or education, and they seemed to you to be disrespectful and unprofessional in interactions with you and others and didn’t do what you considered a “good job,” It can be almost guaranteed that you would develop disrespect for that new employee.Understanding developed respect and disrespect is important because a mechanism inside each of us called “confirmation bias” makes it very difficult for any of us to change an opinion of a new employee. Confirmation bias occurs after we’ve made up our mind about someone, when we find ourselves continuously looking at and interpreting everything they say and do as confirmation of what we’ve already decided. It’s as if we put on a specific pair of sunglasses every time we see that person, and we see everything they do only through those sunglasses. And we don’t even realize we have them on!You’ve probably heard of the management and leadership style called 'Respectful Leadership' and 'Command and Control Lesdership.'Respectful Leadership is also sometimes known as 'Servant Leadership,' which is the practice of leaders serving as stewards or caretakers of their organizations and the people who work there. The term Respectful Leadership is more expansive than Servant Leadership, because being respectful is something you can practice all of the time—at work, at home, anywhere—and because using the word 'servant' could be considered disrespectful. Respectful Leadership is also contagious. It appears that when one leader starts treating employees with respect and receives good results in return, others pick up on the trend and start emulating the behaviors. Managers start treating employees more respectfully; employees start treating each other and customers more respectfully;and pretty soon, a cultural shift occurs.'Command and Control' is roughly translates into 'Do as I tell you, because I’m your boss.' A slightly subtler derivative of command-and control is the practice of using the 'carrot-and-stick' technique to drive performance. In other words, 'you’ll be rewarded if you do your job as commanded, and punished if you don’t.'Here’s the fundamental problem with this management style: decades of research and study, along with millions of employee surveys and mountains of anecdotal evidence from all over the world, make it abundantly clear that the vast majority of human beings who are on the receiving end of this approach simply don’t like it. Most people resent being bossed around, told exactly what to do, and micro-managed by their boss. And they feel the carrot-and-stick approach is demeaning and ignores the possibility that they might actually want to do a good job out of personal pride, or because they genuinely care about doing the right thing and creating good outcomes—not just because they’re being rewarded and punished.In short, the command-and-control/carrot-andstick management style foments fear and stress in the workplace because it is disrespectful, demotivating, intimidating, and occasionally humiliating. If subjected to it repeatedly, the odds are good that, rather than continue to put up with it, most employees will eventually rebel, shut down, or move on. In this context, the old saying 'People leave managers, not companies' has a powerful ring of truth to it, doesn’t it? Command-and-control’s direct offspring, carrot and stick is also usually considered disrespectful by those subjected to it. Studies tell us that when faced with a choice between a higher wage job working for a manager who consistently uses the carrot-and-stick approach and the same job at a lower wage under a manager who practices Respectful Leadership, most employees will choose the latter if they have the option.There are most people are genuinely nice and will treat us well and there are also those people whose mission in life—at least at the moment you happen to encounter them—seems to be making your life difficult.So what do you do? There are only two choices. One choice is to get down on their level, and crouch right down there in the gutter of the most abrasive and nastiest of people 'skills.' You can fight with them, argue with them, one-up them. Show them who they’re dealing with, show them they can’t push you around. Of course, if you do that, you still might not get what you want. And even if you do, you’ll probably end up feeling worse about yourself, and in the process make an enemy for life, making any encounters with that person in the future even more difficult, painful, and problematic.And then there’s the other choice: You can win! When I use the word 'win,' I don’t mean the kind of winning that works by making the other person lose. Far from it. In fact, just the opposite. By 'win' I mean getting what you want from that person while making him or her feel really good about you and the situation at hand. And what a great feeling of accomplishment that is!We are all know that 'one who can control his emotions and make of an enemy a friend is a mighty person.' A real positive mental attitude can play a major role in one's success, but such an attitude is a result of being prepared. In other words, a true positive mental attitude is possible only through one's having the ammunition to back it up. You develop a positive mental attitude by being good at what you do, by understanding the realities of what it takes to succeed, and by having the self-discipline to base your actions on those realities.The success cycle is self-perpetuating: The more prepared a person is, the more confident he becomes, which translates into a natural positive mental attitude, which in turn increases his chances of success. You can set all the goals you want, but if you're not prepared, you won't achieve them. Preparation and a positive mental attitude work in concert to help you achieve your goals. There is a theory called the Theory of Next, which states, 'The key to maintaining a positive mental attitude is to recognize that no one deal is that important. The person with a true positive mental attitude possesses the power to say "Next!" and quickly move on to the next deal when things don't work out.Is there ever a time when things just won’t work? Yes, there is. When is that, you ask? Let me explain it this way,I once heard the saying, 'Don’t try to teach a pig to sing. It will only frustrate you, and really annoy the pig!' Likewise, you could say, 'Don’t ever argue with a crazy person.'When I use the word 'crazy,' I’m not talking about one who has a medically determined condition beyond their control. I’m talking about people who have taken on an entire personality of disagreeableness or have a particular—and usually particularly negative—attitude about something. I'm not saying either, a kind of adage, 'the sane relents.'These are the people, who for whatever reason just aren’t going to work with you, me or anyone else. Their emotional state has predetermined the facts and their mind cannot be opened through logic nor emotion. Their position is, 'I already know what I think—don’t confuse me with the facts!' They probably feel wronged by someone or something that has nothing to do with you, and now they’re giving back as good as they got. Such people often have no idea that this is what they’re doing. They always seem to believe they are the most understanding, open-minded people in the world. They’re not, of course—but neither you nor I are going to change their minds about that."The Moon was silent for a moment, then continued, "From shimshapa tree, Hanuman saw Ravana instructed all the rakshasis, then departed. He left and went to his inner quarters again. The rakshasis, terrible in form, rushed towards Sita. The rakshasis, senseless with rage, reached Sita. They addressed Vaidehi in these extremely harsh words. ‘The great-souled Ravana is the excellent descendant of Pulastya. O Sita! However, you are showing great disrespect.'After this, a rakshasi named Ekajata spoke these words to Sita, addressing her as one whose waist could be clasped in the hands. The waist was slender enough to be cupped by the two hands. But a slender waist was not a sign of beauty among the rakshasas. Her eyes were coppery red in anger, ‘Among the six Prajapatis, the fourth Prajapati is a son born through Brahma’s mental powers.He is renowned as Pulastya. Through his mental powers, the energetic maharshi Pulastya had a son. His name was Vishrava and he was like Prajapati in his radiance. O large-eyed one! His son is Ravana, the one who makes his enemies scream. You should become the wife of that lord among rakshasas. O one who is beautiful in her limbs! Why are you not showing due respect to the words I have spoken?’ At this, a rakshasi named Harijata spoke these words. Her eyes were like those of a cat and she widened them in her anger. ‘Eight Vasus, eleven Rudras, twelve Adityas and two Ashvins and their king have been vanquished by him. You should become the wife of that lord of rakshasas. He is immersed in valour. He is brave. He does not retreat from the field of battle. He is strong and brave. Why don’t you wish to become his wife? The immensely strong king will give up his wives, the ones he respects the most. Ignoring all those immensely fortunate ones, Ravana will serve you. In the prosperous inner quarters, full of many kinds of jewels, there are one thousand women. Abandoning all of them, Ravana will serve you. In battles, he has disarmed the gods, the serpents, the gandharvas and the danavas. The one who has defeated them in battles has come to your side. The great-souled Ravana possesses all the riches. O wicked one! Why don’t you want to become the wife of that lord rakshasas? The sun does not scorch him. The wind is terrified of him and does not blow. O long-eyed one! Why aren’t you by his side? Scared of him, the trees shower down flowers. O one with the excellent eyebrows! The mountains and clouds yield the water that he desires. O beautiful one! He is king of kings in the kingdom of the nairittas. Why don’t your thoughts turn towards becoming Ravana’s wife? O queen! O beautiful one! This is the truth and I have spoken beneficial words to you. O one with the beautiful smiles! Accept them. Otherwise, you will no longer exist.’The rakshasis, with disfigured faces, approached Sita. Harshly, those women addressed her in these disagreeable and harsh words. ‘O Sita! The inner quarters are pleasing to all creatures. It is full of expensive couches. Why don’t you show due respect to the idea of residing there? You are a human and you should not show a great deal of respect to the idea of being a human’s wife. Withdraw your mind from Rama. Otherwise, you will no longer exist. 'Sita, whose eyes were like lotuses, heard the words of the rakshasis. Her eyes overflowing with tears, she spoke these words. ‘All of you have come together and have spoken words that are condemned by the worlds. In your minds, why aren’t these words regarded as sin? A human lady should not become the wife of a rakshasa. If you want, all of you can eat me. But I will not act in accordance with your words. He may be distressed and he may have been separated from his kingdom. But he is my husband and my preceptor.’Hearing Sita’s words, the rakshasis became senseless with rage. Goaded by Ravana, they censured her in harsh words. Hanuman was silent, hidden in the shimshapa tree. The ape heard the rakshasis intimidate Sita. As she trembled, they angrily surrounded her from all directions. They licked their blazing lips in a horrible way and bit their elongated teeth. Extremely angry, they quickly grabbed their battleaxes and said, ‘This one does not deserve to be the wife of Ravana, the lord of the rakshasas.’ The one with the beautiful face was censured in this terrible way by the rakshasis. Shedding tears, she approached the shimshapa tree. Near the shimshapa tree, Sita was surrounded by the rakshasis. The large-eyed one reached the spot and was overwhelmed by sorrow. She was wan and her face was distressed. The garment that she wore was faded. In every direction, those terrible rakshasis intimidated her.There was a rakshasi named Vinata and she was terrible to behold. Her teeth and stomach jutted out. Assuming an angry form, she said, ‘O Sita! You have displayed enough affection towards your husband. O fortunate one! In everything, it is thought that anything in excess leads to hardship. O fortunate one! I am satisfied with you. You have followed the norms created by humans. O Maithilee! However, I speak words to you that are in the nature of medication. Act accordingly. Serve Ravana as your husband. He is the lord of all the rakshasas. He is brave and handsome. He is like Vasava, the lord of the gods. He is accomplished and is ready to renounce. He speaks pleasantly to everyone. Rama is a miserable human. Abandon him and seek refuge with Ravana. O Vaidehi! You will have celestial unguents on your limbs. You will be adorned in celestial ornaments. From today, become the mistress of all the worlds. O queen! O beautiful one! Be like Svaha to Agni, or Shachi to Indra. O Vaidehi! Rama is miserable and has lost his lifespan. What do you have to do with him? If you do not act in accordance with these words, in this very instant, all of us will eat you up.’There was another one and her name was Vikata. Her breasts hung down. She roared, raised her fists and angrily spoke to Sita. ‘O extremely evil-minded one! You have uttered many words that are disagreeable in form. O Maithilee! Because of our mildness and our compassion towards you, we have tolerated them. But you are not acting according to our beneficial words, which are appropriate for the time. You have been brought to this shore of the ocean, which is extremely difficult to reach. O Maithilee! You have entered Ravana’s terrible inner quarters. You are imprisoned in Ravana’s house and are protected exceedingly well by us. Even Purandara himself will find it impossible to save you. O Maithilee! Act in accordance with my beneficial words. There has been enough of shedding tears. Cast aside this futile grief. Serve affection and delight. Abandon this incessant misery. O Sita! As you wish, sport happily with the king of the rakshasas. O timid one! You know that the youth of women is not permanent. Until it is over, enjoy the happiness. O one with the maddening eyes! With the king of the rakshasas, roam in the beautiful gardens, mountains and groves. O beautiful one! Seven thousand women will remain under your control. Serve Ravana as your husband. He is the lord of all the rakshasas. O Maithilee! If you do not act in accordance with the words I have spoken, I will pluck out your heart and eat it.’There was a rakshasi named Chandodari and she was cruel to behold. She twirled around a giant spear and spoke these words. ‘The eyes of this one are as agitated as that of a deer. Because of her fear, her breasts are trembling. On seeing her, abducted by Ravana, a great desire arises in me. It is my view that I will eat her liver, spleen, the flesh above the heart, the heart and its muscles, the entrails and the head.’At this, a rakshasi named Praghasa spoke these words. ‘Let us crush this cruel one’s neck. Why are we delaying? Let us then inform the king that the woman has died. There is no doubt that he will then tell us to eat her up.’At this, a rakshasi named Ajamukhi spoke these words. ‘Let us kill her, chop her up into equal pieces and divide those amongst us. We will divide her among ourselves. I do not like quarrels. Let drinks be brought quickly and many kinds of garlands.’At this, a rakshasi named Shurpanakha spoke these words. ‘I like what Ajamukhi has said. Liquor destroys all kinds of sorrow. Let it be brought quickly. After we have tasted human flesh, we will dance in Nikumbhila.’Sita was terrified in this fashion by the extremely terrible rakshasis. She let go of her fortitude and wept. The cruel rakshasis uttered many harsh and terrible words. Janaka’s daughter wept. She was greatly terrified and her voice was indistinct because of her tears. Thus addressed, the spirited Vaidehi told the rakshasis, ‘A woman should not become the wife of a rakshasa. I will not act in accordance with your words. If all of you so wish, you can eat me up.’ Sita was in the midst of the rakshasis. She had been intimidated by Ravana. Afflicted by grief, she could not find any peace. She trembled a lot and seemed to sink into her own body. She was like a doe in the forest, separated from her herd and oppressed by wolves. Because of her great sorrow, she clung on to a blossoming branch. Grieving and with her mind shattered.Seeing this, Trijata snapped at them, 'Eat your own selves. Do not devour Sita!' The terrible rakshasis became senseless with rage. They went to Ravana to tell him about this.Sita was terrified in this fashion by the extremely terrible rakshasis. She let go of her fortitude and wept. The cruel rakshasis uttered many harsh and terrible words. Janaka’s daughter wept. She was greatly terrified and her voice was indistinct because of her tears. Thus addressed, the spirited Vaidehi told the rakshasis, ‘A woman should not become the wife of a rakshasa. I will not act in accordance with your words. If all of you so wish, you can eat me up.’ Sita was in the midst of the rakshasis. She had been intimidated by Ravana. Afflicted by grief, she could not find any peace. She trembled a lot and seemed to sink into her own body. She was like a doe in the forest, separated from her herd and oppressed by wolves. Because of her great sorrow, she clung on to a blossoming branch. Grieving and with her mind shattered.Seeing this, Trijata snapped at them, 'Eat your own selves. Do not devour Sita!' The terrible rakshasis became senseless with rage. They went to Ravana to tell him about this.Ignoring them, Trijata even sang,Kalau cinta sudah dibuang[When love has been thrown away]Jangan harap keadilan akan datang[Do not expect justice to come]Kesedihan hanya tontonan[Sadness is just a spectacle]Bagi mereka yang diperkuda jabatan *)[For those who are ridden by a dominance]The brave Hanuman heard the truth about everything—Sita, Trijata and the terrible rakshasis' intimidation. He looked at the queen, the vanara had many different kinds of thought. He pointed out a basic rule for success, 'Success depends on the support of other people. The only hurdle between you and what you want to obtain is the support of others.' Support in this context, means having people on your side."
- Ramesh Menon, The Ramayana: A modern Translation, HarperCollins
- Bibeck Debroy, The Valmiki Ramayana, Penguin Books
- Robert Ringer, To Be or Not Tobe Intimidated? That is the Question, MJF Books
- Robert Ringer, Winning Through Intimidation, International Kindle White Paper
- Gregg Ward, The Respectful Leader: Seven Ways to Influence Without Intimidation, Wiley
- Bob Burg, The Art of Persuasion: Winning Without Intimidation, Tremendous Life Books
*) "Bongkar" written by Sawung Jabo & Iwan Fals
[Part 11]
