Love: What Is Love? (1)

The late John Lennon once wrote a song entitled "Love". He started with,

Love is real, real is love

Love is feeling, feeling love

Love is wanting to be loved

In these lines, Lennon distils love into its purest and most vulnerable form, stripping away sentimentality and leaving only the essence of human connection. His phrasing is circular, almost meditative, as if he is reminding us that love is both the beginning and the conclusion of our emotional lives. When he says, “Love is real, real is love,” he is not trying to define love through logic but through presence — love is something that exists because we experience it, not because we can explain it. The truthfulness of love, in his view, is not found in declarations or grand gestures but in the quiet authenticity between two souls who recognise each other.

“Love is feeling, feeling love” suggests that love cannot be detached from emotion; love is not an idea but a lived experience. It vibrates through the body before it ever reaches the mind. Lennon subtly argues that love is not what we think, but what we allow ourselves to feel.

And when he concludes with “Love is wanting to be loved,” he exposes the delicate, almost childlike longing at the centre of every human heart. We love not only because we choose to, but because we yearn to be seen, to be held, and to be accepted. In this way, Lennon turns love into a mirror—it reflects both our desire to give and our hunger to receive.

Love is the quiet, unspoken certainty that another person’s presence rearranges the rhythm of your days, turning the ordinary into something quietly extraordinary without demanding anything in return. It is the peculiar warmth that lingers in the spaces between conversations, the gentle loyalty that persists even when tempers fray, and the willingness to see someone not merely as they are, but as they could become. Love is not a dramatic crescendo but a steady, deliberate choosing—again and again—especially on the days when that choice feels less convenient. It is the courage to remain soft in a world that rewards the hard-hearted, the patience to understand rather than assume, and the tenderness to stay when it would be easier to walk away. Above all, love is the continuous act of giving without keeping score, trusting that what is sincere will return in its own time and in its own way.

In All About Love: New Visions (2000, published by William Morrow), bell hooks—a prolific American author, feminist, professor, and social critic, she was important for her influential work as a cultural critic, feminist, and author who explored the interconnectedness of race, class, and gender to analyze systems of oppression—defines love as a conscious choice to nurture one’s own and another’s spiritual growth, rather than as a fleeting feeling or an uncontrollable emotion. She insists that love must be understood as an action sustained by honesty, responsibility, respect, trust, and a willingness to care, because affection without these ethical foundations easily mutates into manipulation or dependency. For hooks, love becomes meaningful only when it is practised intentionally, as a daily discipline that transforms the self and strengthens human bonds. She argues that modern societies frequently confuse love with desire, possession, or the pursuit of validation, thereby producing individuals who fear vulnerability yet crave intimacy. Her vision of love calls readers to unlearn those harmful cultural scripts and to embrace love as a liberating practice that demands courage, truth-telling, and a commitment to mutual flourishing.

In All About Love: New Visions, bell hooks identifies five essential components that constitute true love, which are necessary to practise love responsibly and meaningfully. The first element is care. She explains that love involves actively attending to the needs and well-being of oneself and others, which requires attentiveness and consideration rather than mere sentiment. The second element is responsibility. Hooks emphasises that love is an ethical commitment: it is a deliberate choice to act in ways that support the growth and flourishing of those we love. The third element is respect. Love entails recognising the intrinsic worth of another person and honouring their autonomy, ensuring that one’s actions do not demean or diminish them. The fourth element is knowledge. Hooks argues that genuine love demands understanding and insight into the other person’s feelings, experiences, and needs; without this knowledge, acts of love may be misguided or self-serving. Finally, the fifth element is honesty. She asserts that love cannot exist without truthfulness, transparency, and the courage to communicate openly, even when it is uncomfortable or difficult. Together, these five elements—care, responsibility, respect, knowledge, and honesty—form a framework for love that is intentional, ethical, and transformative, rather than impulsive or dependent on fleeting emotions.

According to bell hooks, love is a conscious choice to nurture one’s own and another’s growth, built on five essential elements: care, responsibility, respect, knowledge, and honesty. Love is not merely a fleeting feeling or desire; it is an intentional practice that requires attentiveness, ethical commitment, recognition of others’ worth, understanding of their needs, and courage to communicate truthfully. When these elements are present, love becomes transformative, ethical, and liberating.

Loving more healthily and humanely requires a conscious and deliberate approach. Love should not be confused with mere desire, fleeting emotions, or possessiveness; rather, it must be practised as an intentional act that nurtures both oneself and others. Hooks emphasises that true love involves active care, in which one attentively supports the emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being of those we love. It also demands responsibility and honesty, meaning that one must act ethically, communicate openly, and take accountability for the effects of one’s actions. Respect and understanding are equally essential, as love flourishes when the autonomy, experiences, and intrinsic worth of others are recognised and honoured. Finally, hooks stresses the importance of self-awareness and cultural awareness, recognising how societal norms can distort love into control or manipulation. In essence, loving healthily is a continuous practice of ethical commitment, attentiveness, respect, honesty, and genuine care that transforms relationships and strengthens human bonds. Love is a conscious choice to care, respect, understand, be honest, and take responsibility for the growth of yourself and others.

Love, according to bell hooks, is not merely an emotion or a fleeting experience, but a conscious and ethical practice that requires intentionality, commitment, and personal growth. She argues that modern society often confuses love with desire, possession, or validation, which leads to dysfunctional relationships and emotional harm. Hooks insists that true love must be understood as an active process that involves care, responsibility, respect, knowledge, and honesty. By practising love in this deliberate and mindful way, individuals can cultivate deeper connections, personal transformation, and a more compassionate, humane society. Ultimately, her work is a call to rethink cultural assumptions about love and to embrace it as a transformative force that demands courage, self-awareness, and ethical integrity.

Dolly Alderton’s Everything I Know About Love (2018, Penguin) is a deeply honest and witty reflection on what love really means as she navigates her twenties. She realises that the romantic ideals she held as a teenager — believing a boyfriend would solve everything — were naïve. Over time, she learns that love is not just about passion and infatuation, but about friendship, self‑worth, and growth. Through her misadventures in dating — bad first dates, awkward breakups, online dating — she comes to see that relationships often test your sense of self. She also values her long-term friendships more than she expected: friends remain her anchor and offer a different, more stable kind of love. Crucially, Alderton recognises that self‑love is essential: it shapes how she sets boundaries, how she lets others treat her, and how she recovers from heartbreak. By her late twenties, she has distilled her experiences into lessons learned — that love changes, that perspective matters, and that being alone doesn’t mean being lonely. She expresses that no one person is responsible for giving you your happiness; instead, we build our own inner lives, and that becomes the foundation for any meaningful love.

Alderton reflects on her experiences of love, friendship, and self-discovery throughout her twenties. She begins by acknowledging her youthful naivety, believing that romantic relationships were the ultimate solution to her problems. Over time, however, she learns that love is far more complex and multifaceted than she had imagined. It is not only about passion or infatuation but also about self-worth, personal growth, and emotional resilience. Alderton shares the chaos of dating, heartbreak, and the trials of modern romance, recognising that these experiences teach her as much about herself as they do about others.

A central insight in her memoir is the value of friendship, particularly female friendship, which provides stability, support, and unconditional love in ways that romantic relationships often cannot. Equally, she stresses the importance of self-love, learning to set boundaries, respect herself, and understand that her happiness cannot be entirely dependent on another person. By the end of her twenties, she has developed a nuanced understanding that love evolves, that perspective is crucial, and that being alone is not synonymous with loneliness. Her overarching lesson is that meaningful love—whether romantic, platonic, or self-directed—requires maturity, reflection, and a recognition of one’s own intrinsic worth.

Love, in Alderton's view, cannot be reduced to romance alone. Alderton emphasises that true love encompasses friendship, self-respect, personal growth, and emotional resilience. She shows that romantic relationships are often imperfect and unpredictable, but the bonds we form with friends and the way we learn to care for ourselves provide a more stable and enduring foundation for happiness. Through her memoir, she encourages readers to embrace vulnerability, reflect on their experiences, and recognise that self-love and strong friendships are not secondary to romance—they are essential. Ultimately, Alderton’s book teaches that meaningful love in all its forms requires maturity, reflection, and the willingness to accept change.

In Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships (213, Little, Brown Spark), Dr Sue Johnson argues that romantic love is not a random or purely “mystical” phenomenon, but rather a deeply wired, biological process grounded in attachment theory. She explains that the bond between romantic partners functions in much the same way as the bond between a parent and child: we are evolutionarily programmed to seek a safe, secure connection. According to her, when we feel emotionally disconnected from our partner, our brain perceives a threat—almost like a survival risk—because we are hardwired to respond to emotional separation as if our physical safety were in danger.

Johnson also explores the neurochemistry of love, showing how hormones and brain processes contribute to attachment, security, and emotional regulation. She rejects the notion that love is illogical; instead, she sees love as an “ordered and wise recipe for survival.” Moreover, she outlines three stages of romantic relationships, each with its own challenges, and describes how successful couples can navigate these phases by understanding the “intelligence of emotions” and leveraging the “logic of love.” 

To build a safe and warm romantic relationship, Johnson draws on the principles of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), which she helped develop. She emphasises the importance of emotional accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement: partners need to feel that they can reach out for comfort, and that their partner will be there to respond. She encourages couples to express vulnerability, to share their fears and longings rather than blame or criticise, because that openness fosters a secure base of trust.

Johnson also highlights that love is not static; relationships are “living, breathing organisms” that evolve. By recognising and reshaping negative interaction cycles (for example, distancing, criticism, or escalation), couples can renew their attachment bond. Furthermore, she shows how secure love yields real benefits—not just emotionally, but physically: feeling securely attached lowers stress hormones and supports psychological wellbeing. 

Love Sense offers both a scientific account of why we love the way we do—grounded in biology and attachment—and a compassionate, practical guide for how to build and repair romantic relationships so that they become secure, lasting, and emotionally nourishing.

Johnson delves deeply into the biological and physiological foundations of romantic love—in particular, how our emotions, brain chemistry, and physical body underlie and shape attachment in adult relationships.

Firstly, Johnson explores emotion as the essence of love. She argues that strong emotion is not chaotic or purely irrational; rather, feelings such as longing, fear, joy, and distress are rooted in evolutionary needs for connection and security. Through the lens of attachment theory, she explains how different attachment styles (secure, anxious, avoidant) influence how people regulate these emotions, and how failures in emotional regulation can lead to negative cycles in relationships.

Secondly, she examines the brain—the neurochemistry and physiology of love. Johnson presents scientific research showing how hormones (such as oxytocin) and neural processes contribute to bonding, trust, and attachment. She shows that love literally reshapes our brain: emotional connection with a partner supports neuroplasticity, helping us form secure bonds and recover from stress. 

Thirdly, Johnson turns to the body, especially in relation to sexuality. She argues that our attachment system affects how we experience physical intimacy: the way we connect emotionally with our partner has a profound influence on sexual expression. When we feel safe and emotionally attuned to our partner, we are more likely to engage in satisfying, trust‑based sexual experiences. Conversely, insecure attachment can lead to distancing, performance anxiety, or a disconnect between emotional and physical closeness. 

Johnson weaves together decades of psychological and neuroscientific research to show that romantic love is not just a “soft” or purely sentimental matter. It is deeply biological and adaptive. She normalises common difficulties in love — such as emotional volatility, misunderstandings, or sexual disconnection — by showing that these arise not from moral failure but from how our brains and bodies are wired. By understanding this “new science of love,” she argues, couples can become more compassionate towards themselves and each other, recognising that their struggles are rooted not simply in personality or willpower, but in deep, biologically grounded needs for attachment.

Johnson argues that romantic love is not a mysterious or random experience, but a deeply biological and adaptive system designed to create secure attachment between partners. She emphasises that our emotional responses, brain chemistry, and behavioural patterns are all geared toward maintaining closeness, safety, and mutual care. By understanding the science behind love, couples can recognise that common difficulties—such as conflict, emotional distance, or sexual disconnect—are natural outcomes of how humans are wired, rather than moral failings or personal inadequacies.

Johnson’s book also carries a practical and hopeful message: love can be repaired, nurtured, and strengthened if partners learn to communicate their vulnerabilities, respond to each other’s emotional needs, and break negative interaction cycles. She shows that secure, emotionally attuned relationships are not just desirable but essential for psychological and physical well-being, and that cultivating this kind of love requires awareness, effort, and emotional courage. Ultimately, Johnson reframes love as a science-informed practice, where understanding our biological and emotional wiring empowers couples to build lasting, warm, and secure romantic bonds.

In A General Theory of Love, written by Thomas Lewis, Fari Amini, and Richard Lannon (2007, Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group), the authors argue that love is not merely a poetic sentiment but a biological force rooted in the architecture of the human brain. The authors explain that our emotional lives are shaped by the limbic system, the deep, ancient region of the brain responsible for attachment, resonance, and emotional regulation, which means that love functions as a neurological process that moulds who we are and how we relate to others. They suggest that human beings learn to love, trust, and feel secure not through logic or conscious decision-making, but through “limbic tuning” and “limbic revision,” processes in which close relationships literally recalibrate our emotional patterns over time. The book maintains that healthy love provides regulation, stability, and a sense of inner safety because emotionally attuned partners help soothe one another’s nervous systems, allowing them to grow into more integrated and resilient versions of themselves. In essence, the authors contend that love is a transformative biological phenomenon, one that shapes personality, heals emotional wounds, and determines the emotional climate in which a person can thrive.

According to A General Theory of Love, emotions and soul-level bonds emerge from the workings of the limbic system, the part of the brain that governs attachment, emotional resonance, and the subtle synchronisation between people. The authors argue that when two individuals spend time together in a close, emotionally meaningful relationship, their limbic systems begin to “tune” to one another, creating patterns of shared affect that feel instinctive and deeply familiar. This tuning allows people to sense each other’s moods, soothe one another’s distress, and absorb emotional rhythms without conscious effort, which is why certain relationships feel grounding while others feel destabilising. Over time, this continuous exchange produces “limbic revision,” in which the emotional patterns we learned early in life are gradually reshaped by the presence of someone who offers consistent warmth, safety, and attunement. Bonds, therefore, are not abstract metaphysical connections but biological harmonies created through repeated emotional exchanges that literally alter the structure and functioning of the brain. In the authors’ view, this is how the deepest emotional ties—those we often describe as spiritual or soulful—are formed: through prolonged, attuned contact that rewires us at the most intimate neurological level.

The central message the authors of A General Theory of Love aim to convey is that love is a biological force that shapes human beings at the deepest emotional and neurological levels, and that caring relationships are the only environment in which a person can truly flourish. They argue that modern society often overvalues rationality and individual independence while misunderstanding the fundamental truth that emotional connection is not optional but essential for psychological health. The authors want readers to recognise that the limbic system makes us inherently interdependent, meaning that our well-being depends on the presence of people who offer attunement, warmth, and emotional constancy. They emphasise that meaningful relationships have the power to rewire old emotional patterns, heal long-standing wounds, and provide the regulation that no amount of intellect or self-discipline can supply. Ultimately, their message is that to understand ourselves—and to change ourselves—we must acknowledge the profound biological reality of love and treat emotional connection as a core necessity rather than a sentimental add-on.

The general conclusion of A General Theory of Love is that love is a biological necessity rather than a poetic luxury, because human beings are neurologically designed to need emotional connection in order to grow, heal, and function well. The authors maintain that the limbic system shapes our emotional lives so profoundly that no one can fully regulate themselves without the steady presence of others who are attuned, caring, and consistently available. They conclude that the quality of our relationships determines the architecture of our inner world, influencing our capacity for resilience, stability, empathy, and self-worth. The book argues that emotional isolation harms the mind in ways that intellect cannot compensate for, while healthy, attuned relationships have the power to heal old wounds and reshape the brain in restorative ways. Ultimately, the authors argue that love is both the source of our greatest vulnerabilities and the only environment in which a human being can become whole.

[Part 2]

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